2 Known Fears

Growing up with a family majorly consisting of males influences you in terms of attitude and perspective. You make yourself think that you’re as strong as them mentally and physically and eventually thinking that nothing in the world scares you. Another thing that made me think I was strong as hell is when dad told me a story about when mom was pregnant with yours truly, dad got into an accident and the car they were driving split in half. The three of us survived. Back then I thought, I must be a damn awesome baby of steel or shit.

Throughout the period of growing up, I have experienced some events that might have triggered the surfacing of the fears I never knew I had.  Or could  even have. I keep telling myself that how can I have fears? For years I convinced myself that I would never cower over anything or anyone. Well, I got scared shitless.

A few years ago, I had a nightmare. It was the kind of nightmare that scars you for life and wake up checking if you’re still alive. I am the kind of person that remembers my dreams or nightmares and it was a normal dream at first. I was in some sort of spaceship, talking with my friend. During our conversation, I felt a small solid in my mouth. I played with it with my tongue and it was hard as rock. And just like every other normal person, I went somewhere to spit it out. When I did so, I heard something drop on the floor. It was a tooth. I started wondering what did I eat to make my tooth fall off like that. I felt the same thing a few seconds later; a small, hard solid in my mouth. I spit out again and it was also a tooth. After the third tooth, my mouth started to get full. I spit it all out and almost all my teeth fall out of my mouth. I felt inside my mouth and all I could feel was my gums, with holes and could feel the blood coming out of them. I could only feel one tooth left. Before the last tooth fell, my nightmare stopped. I didn’t wake up with a start. I just opened my eyes and saw the familiarity of my dark room. My heartbeat was fast against my chest and I started to hyperventilate. I panicked in silence, afraid of waking the whole house. I opened my mouth and checked my teeth. All of them were there. I sighed in relief. It took me a while to go back to sleep with my still-fast heartbeats and slow breathing.  For 21 years of living, I only went to the dentist once to have my tooth taken out when I was in primary school.  Every time my tooth starts feeling lose, I would pull it out myself. I feel more reassured knowing only I can touch my teeth.  And that’s how I had developed the fear of losing my teeth.

There wa also a time when I went out with a good friend. We watched a movie and just generally had a great time after not seeing each other for a year. I drove her home and asked which route should I take to avoid traffic. She told me to take the route under the bridge so that’s where I went. I used the route and drove all the way. The place that I was so familiar with became foreign the deeper I drove into some area. The roads became narrow, more houses start to appear and people I’ve never seen before. Little did I know, I drove until I met a dead end. I flipped out. I started to panic in my car. I didn’t know where I was, I’ve read the signs and I’ve never heard of the place.  I started to get nervous. I had to stop somewhere god knows where and cooled down. I thought to myself, what if I can’t find my way back? What if I get lost here forever? What will my family think if they found out that I got lost?! After moments of getting my shit together, I retraced my route. I mainly relied on familiar buildings and roads and finally after almost an hour of driving around, I went with instinct and used the route where I saw my brother’s school from a distance. I was so relieved that I followed my instinct. I could’ve been lost somewhere deeper into some random town I’ve never heard of. When I reached home, I didn’t tell anyone that I got lost. I just wanted the day to be over. I didn’t want to feel the feeling of not knowing where I was. I didn’t like that feeling at all. That’s where the fear of being lost was born. 

I consider myself a strong person going through those fears but I am still terrified of being in any of those situations again. Maybe they mean something, who knows? I thought that if I didn’t have any fears of weaknesses then people might assume I’m dependable. I don’t want any of my family or friends knowing my fears. I don’t want to look weak to them. I hope I will ever have to face those events ever again in any point of my life and if I somehow do, I hope I won’t let it consume me.

 

 

It Gets Shorter and Shorter

This has been bothering me for quite some time. I don’t enjoy the things I usually love to do. I’m talking about my attention span. For some reason as the years passed, my attention span has been decreasing drastically to a point where I can’t even finish a page of a book. I loved reading books. This worrying discovery has gotten worse when the thing I love to do the most which is watching anime is affected too. I GET DISINTERESTED HALFWAY AND THIS IS SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. I haven’t even read a single (fictional) book last  year because I got bored with reading just a few pages. 

It’s impossible to say that I don’t like doing those things anymore because I love reading *fiction* and watching anime. I have stumbled upon articles that said researchers have found out that humans have shorter attention spans than goldfishes. But, I only read the title of it rather than reading the whole thing knowing that I won’t finish even half of it. I don’t have a problem with studying though since whenever I start studying, I will do whatever I can to finish it.

I wonder if this has anything to do with concentration as interest is not included. Does this mean I’m going to have a hard time to get things done? Is motivation one of the reasons too? I miss the feeling of finishing a good book. The satisfaction that comes with it as if you have completed an adventure with the characters of the book. Can we get back our ability to pay attention? Or is it even an ability? Damn it. 

Is It Really Cool?

I have been wanting to write about this for a while now. It’s just something I find weird and I guess it’s became a trend somehow. You know how trends are, start something and everyone will follow and it’ll get viralled. Don’t get me wrong, I do indulge myself in some trends like the various challenges, even the mannequin challenge which I did with my cousins a few months back. There’s just this particular trend, well I call it trend since I see it happen a lot. It’s when people disrespect their parents.

What a big reveal, eh? What trend am I talking about? Am I going to diss people for following a trend? Oh, it’s disrespecting parents. Whoop dee doodle do.

Look, it sounds boring because I’m talking about parents but I feel the need to address this as I see it too much and I feel terrible just watching on TV or hearing about it in the news or reading an article about kids dominating their parents and shit. It’s not cool. It’s stupidly rude.It’s even more stupid that the kids got it on video or “do it for the vine” and post it online on their social media accounts. Are the new generation of kids this uneducated and immature?

I see kids on the street screaming at their parents because they didn’t buy what they want; and it’s usually never cheap what their parents “wrongly” bought. I even witnessed my cousin’s cousin screaming at my cousin’s mother to buy a fucking smoothie. I seriously wanted to yell at her because she was being so loud and immature. We were in the middle of a fucking shopping mall. I couldn’t take that kind of monstrosity. My aunt had to do it just so that she shut up about it.  I can see that kids of the new age really don’t know manners or know the meaning of respect. It can be due to 2 reasons, lack of parent guidance or just their arrogance of them being a spoiled brat.

When have parents start to listen to their kids’ orders? Why would they even let their children do what they want? I was raised in a strict household and yes I have rebelled in my younger years and my parents would control me from time to time. I admit I said I hated them for a while and even became an emo (worst phase ever) but my parents never gave up to keep me from going astray. I slowly realized that being emo did nothing good and what my parents said about doing it fro my own good was right. I “sobered” up and started being serious in my studies. I now go to a good local uni and have strong relationships with my family. 

Parents always know best. They lived longer than us and have seen and experienced the life before us. They deserve all the respect by their children and their sacrifices for us can never be paid. Kids of the new generation should understand that when parents say, “It’s for the best.”, they know what is best for you. They know the hows and the whys. And whatever they do, it’s because they love you and want you to live a better life than theirs. Treat them like they are the kings and queens of your world. 

Get. The. Friggin’. Hint.

I have mentioned before that I don’t do clingy. Maybe it’s due to a strict upbringing or I don’t like the feeling of being ‘suffocated’ with attention. Since I’m talking in my perspective, I don’t like the attention on me. I always divert it to other people. It’s even hard for me to talk to people because I never get the hang of looking at them when conversing. I don’t know how I have that weird ‘habit’ but after 21 years of living I still can’t get used to it. Okay, I can look at people in the eye but it lasts about a few seconds. Forcing myself to do it is tiring and somewhat embarrassing to me.  I don’t want people to think I want the attention. I really don’t. Even kids being clingy is a little uncomfortable for me. I love kids; I love spending time and talking with them about anything because they are so blunt about everything. 

I don’t understand why people are CRAVING for attention and are always tweeting that they want their partners to be clingy with them. I prefer distance and privacy. Many texts at the same time? Nope. Multiple calls in one hour? Stop it. Leave me alone.  I don’t have any traumatic or past life experiences that may cause this dislike to clinginess so I don’t have any points to argue with if anyone asks me. 

I make friends easily. I have numerous friends throughout my life but whenever they start getting clingy, expect me to distance myself for months. There’s even this guy that keeps texting me and asking me how I am EVERY SINGLE DAY and I have told him that I don’t like clingy people and he seemed to understand it. YET HE STILL TEXTS ME EVERY DAY FOR YEARS. I know he’s trying to be friendly and all but does he not get the message? I even went months without talking to him and he’s still persistent about it. I have also told him that I’m not into relationships and he gets it too. So I’m ruling out the mutual feeling. 

How do I tell him that I need space to breathe? I don’t want to come off as rude or anything. I don’t want him to think that I don’t appreciate our friendship. I can never say no to even the simplest of things like this. I’m too nice of a person. I care too much of people’s feelings which include game characters that don’t even exist. You know those games that your choices will affect your game later? I love those games. 

Routinely Manic No More?

FINALS ARE DONE. I AM FREE…..for less than a month. It’s not much but it’s what I need. My first semester as a second year uni student went so fucking crazy. This year might be the runner up to my first year as one of the worst years of my life but I have 2 more years to go so I’m still making a list. 

Anyway, after my last paper, I didn’t feel like I did last year. Which was an intense feeling of freedom and not giving a fuck whether I did good or not. This time, after I set foot out of the hall (I spent 1 1/2 hours in a 3 hour exam because a) I was finished and b) I got bored), I felt fine. I didn’t feel the need to scream my lungs out to start the semester break. I just went out of the hall and went to the car. I got hungry in the hall. For once, I got fucking scared that I did shit in one of my exams because I didn’t want to graduate late. Have I become accustomed to the hectic uni life?

It’s more like I am used to the stress of doing 5 projects at the same time, dealing with shit group members and staying up late to study. It actually feels great. I somehow feel like I changed how I see things. I stopped whining and got shit done before due dates. The satisfaction I felt seeing my peers doing their parts in a rush and feeling the stress. But I felt fucking good. I may whine once in awhile but I still get shot done. And boy I’m glad I don’t procrastinate anymore. 

I hope this new feeling doesn’t stop. I want to change more. I want to be better. The outcomes have been great and I hope it produces more in the future. I like the feeling of my own effort being worthwhile. For the first time ever since secondary school, I feel satisfied with myself. 

Ramblings Of An Underachiever

When you’re so used to underachieving, getting told how much of a disappointment you are and getting these look of disbelief from overachiever when they said they thought you were smart. And for the first time, you excelled so much better than before but people say it’s not enough. 

It does dampen your mood. You worked so hard to the extent of sleepless nights, falling sick and even thoughts of quitting due to the intense struggle. I think I wrote about quitting before during my premed but I pulled through. It seems that I will be feeling this resentment for another 3 years. 

There are types of people that can easily catch up and are fast learners or are just born intelligent. Some people have to work twice as hard just to get the results they aimed so low for. We can’t aim too high because we know we can’t exceed that much. When you hope too much for something but unable to achieve it you get discouraged. You start to aim lower. You start to expect less and eventually not believe in your capabilities. 

I am part of that statistic. I have to work extra hard than the gifted. I go through so much more than anyone else. And when I think I could actually achieve what I aim, I am told it wouldn’t suffice. I will always be labeled as a disappointment. I will always get those looks. The look of disbelief in thinking I could’ve made it. I know of those looks. I’m so used to it.

My Terrible Feeling

mine

(read from right to left, the first half starts)

I was reading some *coughs* dōjinshi ( self-published works in Japanese terms) and these words definitely caught my attention. Those words hit me hard because it’s exactly how I felt whenever I started to like someone. 

I never admitted this to anyone but this is how I really felt. Those feelings caused me to be scared of liking someone. It gets worse when I start getting close to them. I can never get rid of those feelings. I tried to push those feelings away but in the end it eats me up at night. The only way to stop them completely is to forget about that someone, completely stop liking them and eventually distance myself. There was no other way to do it. 

Those feelings were one of the reasons I never get attached to anyone other than my studies. I usually make up excuses whenever my friends ask why I stop liking my crushes was focusing on my studies but actually the feelings were eating me alive and I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want it to effect me or anyone. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than feel it again.

For the first time since I started getting into dōjinshi, I could actually relate to the author’s writings. It makes me love reading them more but also makes me feel that I might not be the only one that has ever felt that way about someone. I guess I’m not alone in this world