My Terrible Feeling

mine

(read from right to left, the first half starts)

I was reading some *coughs* dōjinshi ( self-published works in Japanese terms) and these words definitely caught my attention. Those words hit me hard because it’s exactly how I felt whenever I started to like someone. 

I never admitted this to anyone but this is how I really felt. Those feelings caused me to be scared of liking someone. It gets worse when I start getting close to them. I can never get rid of those feelings. I tried to push those feelings away but in the end it eats me up at night. The only way to stop them completely is to forget about that someone, completely stop liking them and eventually distance myself. There was no other way to do it. 

Those feelings were one of the reasons I never get attached to anyone other than my studies. I usually make up excuses whenever my friends ask why I stop liking my crushes was focusing on my studies but actually the feelings were eating me alive and I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want it to effect me or anyone. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than feel it again.

For the first time since I started getting into dōjinshi, I could actually relate to the author’s writings. It makes me love reading them more but also makes me feel that I might not be the only one that has ever felt that way about someone. I guess I’m not alone in this world 

Embarrassing Crush-ing

I used to have a crush on this guy ever since my premed period. I guess I could finally say I’m  (kinda) over him? We’re uni mates but not taking the same course anymore. Firstly, I rarely have crushes. The last crush of mine was when I was a senior in secondary school and that was it. Maybe it’s because I never really focused on finding a special someone in my life. I enjoy being not committed to anyone since I prefer to finish my degree and then straight for my masters. It never occurred to me that it was necessary to have a special someone . Maybe I was raised to focus on other priorities like studies and family relationships. 

However, I saw a tweet from my crush ( I was so brave to follow him on Twitter) that was such a turn off. He listens to 5sos. Out of all the other artists I could tolerate , he listens to the band that I can’t tolerate at all. Yes, I judge someone. I made a post about that before. People say they don’t judge people based on anything but trust me when I say that they judge the fuck out of people based on anything. They just don’t want to sound like a dick when in reality, everyone just can’t accept opinions about themselves by other people. I think it’s better that way so that you’ll know what to improve about yourself. You can’t change shit taste in music or the clothes they wear but you could change some other things in them. 

Back to the topic, I started to think why I liked the guy in the first place. Most of it because he used to be a really nice, smart, charming and funny guy. After he got a bit well-known by everyone in uni, he kinda became a dick. His grades dropped and he was even called a fukcboy at some point. It kinda ruined the image of the guy you liked and makes you think why the fuck you fancied them. I got over him after I realized that and focused on my studies instead. But there are times whenever I see him on my timeline and think he’s still as cute as ever writing cheesy quotes, shitty song lyrics from a shitty pop song and cat photos. 

Crushes are embarrassing. I’m turning 20 this year but I still haven’t passed the crush level yet. I have less drama in my life so that’s a plus for me. Don’t focus too much on finding the right guy/girl until you forget to live the life given to you. John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” That was a cheesy quote. Guess where I got that from. Life Is Strange. You thought it was my crush, didn’t you? He’s not that smart to know who John Lennon is. 

 

People “Change”

Hello again! It’s been ages and I am finally done with my first year in uni! It’s been hell I admit. I’m on break for a couple of months and no longer staying in (the seventh circle of hell) dorm, I have no excuses not to update anymore. 

I wanted to talk about the saying, “People change”. It could mean anything. Let’s just take in example of two parties that experienced their friends or families that have ‘changed’.  The first party, which is greatly affected by their friends changing (for better or worse) who they are. They are so devastated that they and their certain friends not talk to them anymore, rarely see each other to the point of zero contact. They might think their friends don’t care about them anymore or their tired of being the third wheel. It’s a normal phenomenon which causes close friends to not feel close anymore and results to being strangers again.

The other party, assumed to be the one who ‘changed’ that are always the ones to blame for their lack of attention or being not loyal to their friends , however are living their lives like they always do and probably not be aware of the other parties “emotional turmoil”.  When in truth, they are just not the kind of people that bothers with the necessity of keeping in touch 24/7 . They have showed the effort of keeping in touch with the other party for so long, which the other party never seems to acknowledge their effort in doing so, is done with it. If the other party wont even have the time and effort to even show that they care, then there’s no need to keep doing so. 

You can’t expect people to come to you all the time. If you want to take care of your friendship/relationship, show some effort. Don’t jump to conclusions saying your friends are now a bunch of snobs. They have lives too. Why not shoot a text or tweet or even chat up on Facebook. With the various social platforms, it is impossible to say that you can’t even say hi. Don’t let your emotions take over your head. 

As I get older, I realized that I prefer having a small group of close friends. The effort it takes to always keep in touch is tiring and if they’re the type to just reply in short messages then I’m just wasting my time. And if you don’t keep in touch they’ll think you met new friends and is now a major snob when in reality, I just can’t give a shit. You can’t deny that you start to choose who to be friends with so that you wouldn’t have to go through useless drama in the future. In uni, I only have two very close friends and so far I’ve survived for two years now. I’m happy with it.

Keep Coming Back

I’ve said this a million times already and yes I’m back again. Life update:

I’m taking my degree in Software Engineering. Sad, innit? From premed to IT out of the fucking blue. Turns out my results weren’t up to par with the requirements that the uni wanted but I am honestly glad. My friends taking medicine and other science related courses are suffering like hell and I actually enjoy taking IT. I have never imagined myself being a doctor. I remember going to the medical faculty and yest it was full of awes. Then I saw the schedule, I thought, fucking hell is that what I want to go through for 4 years? I had so much doubts but then it finally showed. I’m also glad my parents finally know that they can’t choose my career for me. I know they never had the full confidence in me being a doctor anyway.

Another thing, I’m so fucking happy that my good friends from primary and secondary school happen to be in the same course as me. I’m not alone going through shit assignments and crazy projects. I’ve met so many cool people in one semester so far. Most of them taking IT courses were also from premed or taking engineering courses. I have a feeling the IT faculty is just a dump site of failed doctors or engineers hah. The usual struggle of uni is always there only in degree it’s twice as hard. Cause you have free time but not actually free since you’re riddled with stress everyday. I almost went nuts during mid-semester exams. Fucking hell.

I’m done with one semester and it was one hell of a ride. It’s still new to me in some way but most of it I’ve experienced during premed and I got used to it in a short time. I’m trying to update always but it’s so hard coping with time and everything so bear with me. Thank you for still staying with me through it all. If you were always reading my posts, you can see how much I’ve changed in the years hahaha.  I will be updating often here now that I’m free. Be sure to see you soon! x

 

This Awkward Silence 

I got used to the silence, letting it engulf me once in a while. I’d close my eyes and wander away. I swim through the seas of my secrets and thoughts. It’s never ending. 

I never told my parents about the shit I go through everyday.

I never told them,

that I had shitty grades during the mid-semester exams.

about how hard it is to juggle between studies and social life

about the boy that stole my heart and broke it into a million pieces

about handling the pain by talking with numerous other boys just to feel wanted

that I cry sometimes whenever things turns to shit

that I feel like running away from everything all the time

that the thought of taking my own life 

I didn’t get a spot for the interview to be a doctor which happens to be their dream 

I crushed it

that I lost hope and I’m just wasting time 

it’s too late to change

that I’m going insane


I didn’t tell them anything and kept it inside because I vowed to not be the problematic child anymore. That I could prove to them that I can be strong enough to handle everything without their help. All these years. The dream of seeing them proud of me is vague now. So vague that it’s disappearing. 

But I still kept my silence. I stayed. It’s almost over. For now, I stay silent. 

I’ve Said This Once and I’ll Say It Again…Hopefully For The Last Time

People fucking annoy me. People generally. I can’t go one day without sighing or rolling my eyes. If I didn’t control myself,my eyes would be stuck in my eye sockets. I don’t hate them. They just irritate me  till I have the urge to punch them in the face. But no, seeing that I am a college student now and studying to be a doctor plus the college I go to has a reputation to uphold, I refrain from doing so. However, there are days when I can be humble to everyone, then there are days when I just wanna show the finger to everyone and tell them to fuck off. 

I don’t get why people tick me off so quickly. Is this what happens when you go to college? Thank god I only have a few months left till the program is done. This place is a nightmare. I just wished that people would leave me alone so I can study in peace, pass my exams with flying colours and make my parents proud. That’s not so hard to ask. But nooooo, college had to be full with wannabes, pricks and just plain dumbasses. Last semester, I was the leader for an IT group and we had an ongoing assignment. We were closing in on the dateline but when I wanted to meet up for a discussion, three dickheads never showed up. And when I found out I had the power to give them low scores in contribution, they showed up in the last minute. Bunch of wankers. 

I hope I don’t kill anyone this semester. I don’t know how to stop getting easily annoyed with people. I cringe at them too much. I can’t keep this much dislike of them. I need to find a way to start to like them. Or I don’t care about them at all. I like the second choice. I’ll try that out.

Time keeps rolling by…

I don’t know if anyone remembers me but yeah Hi!. I have been away for so long and I have my reasons for it. One of it would be, I’m in college now. Studying pre-med. Yeah, who knew? I was reading my old posts about my ambitions and whaddya know? Doctor-to-be. Well, not really confirmed yet but, you know, I have hopes. Its not my dream but I’m fulfilling my parent’s dream and seeing them proud of me is a dream I wish to fulfill. I thought long and hard about my dreams. I may love the English language and all but I don’t love it enough ( and confident enough) to pursue a career in it. I sound lame but I accepted reality. I should just stop thinking about how I want my future to be without actually giving it a long thought. I was a kid, what would I know?

Besides, everyone in my year keeps saying they regret taking pre-med and should’ve taken language instead. That was from someone who won a debate of the year award and said that she was always ‘interested’ in the English language and wants to be a writer. Oh grow up, life isn’t easy. In my own perspective, just because you are fluent in a specific language, or you love writing, doesn’t mean you’re already an expert. Being a writer isn’t just about venting out your emotions about someone you hate in class or about a silly crush, it’s more professional. If you wanna be a writer, make sure you are actually equipped with knowledge that actually spans throughout the world. Not just flowery vocabs and  teenage angst.

College life is…challenging. Its hard to describe. I survived the first semester. It was fucking hell on earth. I thought of suicide, dropping out and running away every day. But hey, that’s life. I made it through in one piece so I’m good. I’m halfway through my second semester. There’s always ups and downs. Friends, cute boys, shit load of assignments, limited time, people you’re not so fond of, people who have shit taste in music and what not. I think this is the phase in life where you’re tested to the max. Some of my fellow friends have left, saying they can’t cope. Some transferred to become teachers. Which puzzled me at first but maybe its what they wanted to be. So let it be. Anything can happen when you’re in college. I’m…surviving. 

Probably the best way for me to survive is to not give a fuck about the others with the snobby attitudes, the ones that skip class and of course, the cute boy I had a crush on. I emphasize on the HAD. It’s my first time being on my own, without my parents keeping their eyes on me. I can be independent. I make my own choices and such which is hard for me at first but I got used to it. So far nothing too bad has happened. 

That is all for now. I’ll update again soon if anything interesting happens. If I have time. See you soon! 

x